Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
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Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.