I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
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So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.