I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
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My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back