Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
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Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.