[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
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Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
HELP 😭
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”