I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
can’t bark with your mouth full
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!