In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
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Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.