Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
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You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
me linking you to my twitter
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Seems legit
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts