[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
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despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
This is me
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.