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Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.