Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
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*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.