rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
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that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
These are too funny not to post 😂
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Boom, boom, ching!
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now