How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I wanna be friends with this person
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
new shirt idea
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”