Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
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If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.