“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
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Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable