5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
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If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore