“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
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The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
finally
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”