Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
You Might Also Like
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy