That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
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I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
this country is so goddamn polarized
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.