I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.