ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
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[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
#CoronaOutbreak