You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.