Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
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I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
This one’s “Alex”.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.