My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
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Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Dead sexy!!
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”