I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
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[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
no!! no!!!!!!
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”