Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
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Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though