In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
you will never know the true number of layers
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Friends that check up on you >
The devil.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.