employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
You Might Also Like
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.