I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
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Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving