[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
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ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
i’m laughing very hard in real life
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks