I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
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Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
The answer is funnier than the question
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.