My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”