Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
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With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.