God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
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You have been warned.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.