[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
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homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside