Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
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A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?