satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
You Might Also Like
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]