I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
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Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
some cats are just doing for fun!
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Breaking news:
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car