My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
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Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
WHY?!
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.