*gets down on one knee*
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Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
getting groceries
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude