Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
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A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
#parenting
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.