You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
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me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
calling in to work dehydrated
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.