My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
#Caturday
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.