Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
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time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.