A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
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When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I love art.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day