I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
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Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
LOOOOOOL
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks