Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
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Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son