I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
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If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.