You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
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My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?