Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
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HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
i baked you a cake
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.